I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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