And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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