On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize