They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
