i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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