every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
