Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
