I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
