Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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