Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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