Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
