Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
