Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
