God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize