i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize