Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
