dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize