the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
