I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
