i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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