my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
