The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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