shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just cropdusted the office
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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