Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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