after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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