She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
