Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
