There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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