my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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