Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
