How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
