Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
