Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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