the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
