My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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