get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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