so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
