I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
