Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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