Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
