My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
