Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I want to be your penis for a week.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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