ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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