I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
