i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
