I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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