Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
