I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
