She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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