when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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