Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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