Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
