I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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