grandma shit on top of the toilet
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Vodka?
Forever.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
