I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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