My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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