I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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