i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
