my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Randomize
