The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
