Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
