im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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