I'm going to jail i love you
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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