i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
