my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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