I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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