If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize