i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
